Jealousy.

I’m jealous.

Okay, not really, but there are times when I do feel more than just a little bit jealous.

One one hand, jealousy can motivate you to do better. It can also force you to reevaluate who you are as a person.

However, jealousy is not only detrimental to your relationships but also to yourself.

I know when I was an angsty middle schooler, I would mentally harass my classmates who happened to have the newest Uggs or a fur-lined vest. I was envious of them. I didn’t have enough money to buy fancy new clothes, so in order to make myself feel better I would put others down.

Even today I find myself beating others up because of my own insecurities.

For example, I have a friend who is really flaky and borderline manipulative in his friendships. I spent so much time trying to be his best friend; I’d be there when he was crying over an ex, when he didn’t get the grade he wanted on a test, or when his family members were being irritating. He would never do the same for me. When I was crying, he simply gave a quick “Oh, I’m sorry” and proceeded to talk about himself. He even forgot my birthday-we’ve been extremely close for the past 6 or 7 years!

I noticed that every time he would hang out with another friend, I would be devastated.Why isn’t he hanging out with me? Why doesn’t he laugh with me like he does with them? Why doesn’t he offer to hang out with me like he does with them?I would curse him out and say nasty things about him as a result(to myself, of course). It really contributed to my depressive state.

I realized that he wasn’t the one at fault. Sure, he was a sucky friend, but he has no right to control my feelings and make me sad and I have no right to trash-talk him. I was letting him make me upset simply because I wanted him to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. He was treating his other friends well, why wasn’t he treating me well? Did I not deserve better treatment?

It all ties back in to my self-esteem problems resulting from my abuse. I do deserve better than what my friend gives me. I deserve to have a good friend-not one who only talks to me when it’s convenient for him.

It still hurts whenever he blatantly ignores me, but I have made it my goal to not let his ways affect me negatively…and to find better friends.

Alright, I’ll step off my soap box now.

-A

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About darkbutlife

A blogger who strives to become a better version of herself each day.
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